Saturday, January 1, 2011

My 2011 Intentions ( do not read as Resolutions;)

2011 is Now!

The Ball fell in NYCTimes Square about 3hours ago, marking the arrival of
2011.

Every year at this time, I decide what resolutions or goals I want to
accomplish in the new year. And, like many of us, I am gun-ho for a few
weeks and then, magically, I forget;)

I stop doing the new things or not-so-new things that I thought I should
get my ass in gear for and do!
Then When I don't. I have one more reason to feel ashamed of myself for not
having the wherewithall to stick-to-it, and get it done. I disappoint myself.
Then I have another reason to get down on myself... to prove that I am not good
enough.. for the goals... which turns into FOR NOTHING... YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING.

A familiar voice from the past.. once again screams in my ear. But this time, it's my voice. A learned response by me, from the past.. I steadfastly, Demean and Deride myself. And once again I am back in that place of BELIEVING that I am not good enough.. Not Worthy.

I lose sight of the sense of Worthiness.. I know I was born with, and had beaten out of me.. not necessarily physically, so much as Mentally and emotionally.
Which can sometimes be worse than physical abuse. Your body can heal from physical trauma, with time.
And so can your Heart and Mind.. but with a lot of hard work, dedicated focus, attention and desire to heal, and make a new start.

I have been working on this issue, for what seems like all my live, in many varied ways. I have made much progress but never gone all the way.. that is to say, lose that sense of unworthiness, completely.

I am a Twitterer. I tweet, daily, on Twitter, along with many friends in my stream. Some I follow. Some follow me. And one of them is @LeslieSanchez. I follow her because I admire her dedication to her work and play. I enjoy living vicariously through some of her adventures. She posts pics on Twitpic(a place to post pics with descriptions) which makes her tweeting that much more fun to follow and read. Some can't say much with 140characters. And, others can, if they can be succinct and skillful at turning a phrase. And she does.
Recently, she retweeted, a TED Talk Tweet, about a speaker named @BreneBrown, from Houston, Texas. The title of her TED talk was/is The Power of Vulnerablilty. I clicked on the link and was blown away and mesmerized by the treasure trove of discovery in her talk. She was saying things that gave me a new way of thinking, about what I had been going through for years, in my self-discovery and self-empowerment work. How shame and fear and courage and letting yourself be seen and authenticity and more have such an effect on a person's Sense of Worthiness or Unworthiness. Her research led her to her own self discovery and she shared her story in a funny, endearing, compelling and enlightening way. I am grateful to Brene for sharing her Work and to Leslie for tweeting about it.

I have listened to that 20+min talk several times now. And each time I do, my mind allows a little more to filter in past the gatekeeper, that insists on believing, that I am not worthy of anything ... you name it.

So, I have decided on a list of intentions for 2011, that are things I love and things I fear, and gently allow myself to lean into them.. and let the discomfort that may come up, come up and move through it, by accepting it... not fighting it. BeCause, I am not perfect and that's ok.. it's what is.
I am enough.(just typing that makes me fearful)

My list: (not in order of importance)

*Learn to swim
*Join AMACs Speakers panel
*Record for the Blind English&Spanish
*Work on my book
*Blog more
*Eat more organic Fruits&Vegies
*Take care of my knees&shoulders
*Buy stationary bicycle
*Add flex&strength exercise
*Love some one
*Keep up with my daily journaling

This time, this year, this is a list of things I love to do. I will focus on them, not to lose weight or feel sexy or be better. No. To take care of myself with compassion, in a way I have never done before. To be on my side.

Persistance is my Middle name, when it comes to doing things for others... and this time I will use it for my own good.. for my health and well-being.. not to please any one else.
Wish me well. Thank You.

2 comments:

Alamar Fernandez said...

Update:
Several people have told me they read this post, but no comments on here. Not sure if I have this set up so that comments can be easily made. Not #techSavvy;)
Anyway, if you are, pls leave a comment!
I am still focussed and working on this list!
Thank you for reading!!!

Patricia Singleton said...

When those inner voices which some call your inner critic tells you that you are not worthy talk back to them and tell them to shut up because you have great value as a person and as a survivor. You are helping others by sharing your story. Thank you for the story that you shared on my blog earlier tonight. I hope that you will return and tell more of your story.